Roots to Reality

The rumbling groan of the ferry horn seemed to push the old girl out of her slip. Chugging out of the cloud dusted Oban harbor, she headed northwest towards her next port, bringing me closer to the roots and the re-routing of my family tree. My husband, David, and I were traveling to Skye, a craggy island in northern Scotland, for my mother’s wedding. But first, we were heading to the windswept Isle of Mull, a place that I’d heard about since childhood. My mother planted the seeds of ancestral pride long ago, the reedy melodies and mournful wails of the bagpipe underscoring stories of our ancestors, the resilient MacLean clan. Dad and I would listen as I’d stroke her silver broach, fingering the coat of arms engraved with the motto, Virtue Mine Honor. I loved sharing this bold, colorful heritage with her and told myself that someday I’d get to see those ancient castles and hear the rich brogue of their people. I never the dreamed the journey would be so bittersweet.

Lulled by the massive boat’s gentle rocking, I leaned back on the faded vinyl seat and closed my eyes. Thoughts of my father flooded my mind. Less than seven months had passed since his death and grief still packed a mean sucker punch.

When my father died the building blocks of our family shifted precariously. Mom and I took solace in our shared memories, but she was alone for the first time in 45 years and was terrified of never regaining her balance. Her future husband, a former high school boyfriend, phoned her the day after we buried my dad. A recent widower, Scott was impatient to marry again. He knew she was losing her footing and offered to steady her with the promise of security, but there was a big catch. A quick wedding or nothing at all. Mom, heartsick and lonely, consented. She painfully packed away my father’s belongings, trying in vain to bury her grief along with them. 

A resounding horn brought me back to the present and my gaze settled on a simple stone castle rising proudly from the top of a bluff. “Look! David…it’s Duart castle!” From that distance, it was hard to be certain, but I had a feeling we were passing the ancestral and current home of the MacLean clan. 

Bumping along a scrawny unpaved road a scant hour later, we got our first taste of country driving. One lane (for two directions) on a twisty muddy road is challenging enough. It gets hairier when you’re unaccustomed to driving on the left side and you encounter the meanderings of sweet, but slow, black faced sheep. It reaches white-knuckle time when your husband is stingy with the window wipers. 

David nudged me with his left elbow. “Hey, honey, I wonder if there are any MacLeans buried up there.” He pointed to a tiny cemetery perched atop a bluff overlooking the Sound of Mull. He pulled off to the side of the road and we climbed the slippery hill. The rusty latch on the iron gate stuck for a moment before it clinked open. Fringed with tall weedy grass, the slender stones leaned wearily, their inscriptions softened by time. Wind rushed down the narrow aisles, bending shoots of Queen Ann’s lace in its race to the top of the peak. Shivering, I leaned over the first stone I came to, and read the name Margaret MacLean. She died a century before my great-grandmother, also a Margaret, was born. Dozens of MacLeans from ages past were resting in the tiny graveyard, their tombstones bathed by the tender rain, while I wandered quietly from one distant ancestor to the next, wondering who they were, what kinds of lives they led. Growing up an only child, I wasn’t used to feeling part of a big family. That had never mattered before. But with my father gone and my mother moving on, I was grasping for familial connection. It didn’t matter if I had to look to the past to find it.

Our first and last morning on Mull greeted us with a cheerful dose of sunshine, a welcome accompaniment to the start of a hectic day. By nightfall we would be up north in the highlands reminiscing with Mom. But I wasn’t ready yet. I needed to spend some time in the heart of the family archives.

Duart castle embodied the rich history of the Macleans, standing resolute as the clan stronghold since the 14^thcentury. “Good morning, folks. Welcome!” A broad faced woman with ruddy cheeks extended her hand. She was dressed in the vibrant red and green  MacLean of Duarttartan, the same pattern I would wear the next day in a floor length kilt.  David told the woman I was of MacLean descent. “Oh, well you must sign the clan guest book then, dear!” She pulled out a leather book and placed it in front of me, smoothing down the pages.  At her suggestion, David snapped my picture as I added my name to the list of other distant family members. 

The first drafty room we entered featured a long, lustrous rectangular table, set with ornate silver candelabras and gleaming sterling tea sets. Ancient battered swords hung behind protective glass, displayed next to scarred bagpipes. One room was dedicated to displaying grand portraits of the chiefs. I was immediately drawn to the image of a rakish 21 year old who looked like he had just gotten away with something. Lachlan MacLean, the current chief as a younger man, smiled down at me. We wound our way up the cramped stone steps, occasionally passing family group portraits. I paused to look for Lachlan each time. 

When we reached the top, even my persistent fear of heights couldn’t keep me from taking in the panoramic view from the battlements. The now foggy sky muted the shadows on the clear, cold water of the Sound and cast a soft focus on the soaring mountains to the north. Did generations of powerful chiefs pace this walkway, appraising the shipping lanes they controlled? I wanted to spend more time there, but we were on a tight schedule. 

As we were winding our way down the drive, we passed a disheveled man, mid 50s, who was tending to the roadside shrubs. 

“David, stop! We have to turn around. That’s Lachlan!”

“What? That’s a gardener. The chief wouldn’t be out here working in the field.”

“Why not? He might enjoy it. Besides, I recognize him. Come on, turn around.” So David made a hasty U turn, the tires sinking into the muddy road. I leapt out of the car.

“Excuse me, Sir,” I asked tentatively, “Are you the chief?”

Smiling, he wiped his hands on his dirty slacks and asked, “Are you a MacLean?”

I wavered. “My grandmother was.”

“Then, yes, I’m Lachlan. Welcome home.” He extended his hand. “I’m surprised you recognized me. Folks expect me to be up at the castle in a kilt, sipping whiskey,” he laughed. After inviting us to visit again, he returned to the relative anonymity of his gardening and I reluctantly pulled myself out of the refuge of the past. 

Grief had yanked me off balance, but this tiny island, so rich with family, had begun to steady me with its deep roots. The next section of my family’s history had yet to be written and although the uncertainty of the blank page was unsettling, I knew Mom and I would always remember how our chapter of the story started.

The Soul of a Vineyard

A chubby Dalmatian and a scrappy black terrier tore down the road, barking furiously. Driving slowly past lush rose bushes standing sentinel at the ends of the rows of vines, we inched past the rambunctious welcoming committee towards the trailer at the end of the drive. I could hardly wait to spring out of the car and walk through the vineyards.

As a birthday present (it was a big one) my husband had arranged for us to learn about winemaking from the craftsmen themselves, right in the heart of Santa Barbara’s burgeoning wine country. A couple of vintners graciously offered to show us around during crush, their hectic harvest time. The early morning fog had burned away and the autumn skies over the Santa Rita hills were speckled with only a few lingering clouds.  The winemaker for Clos Pepe greeted us as we bounded out of the rental car.

“Welcome! You must be David and Carol. I’m Wes. Why don’t we head right out to the vineyard while we talk.”  A lanky man with square shoulders and a brisk stride, he tromped over the occasional tangled weed, and led us down a tidy row of carefully tended vines, their leafy tendrils reaching out to us in a verdant greeting. He explained that the east/west orientation of the coastal mountains formed valleys in Santa Barbara County that drew the cool ocean breezes over the land, carving out distinct microclimates ideal for producing classic wines like Pinot Noir and Chardonnay. The faint scent of salt water still hung in the air.

Tenderly, he cupped a cluster of chardonnay grapes in his coarse palm. “See the dusty bloom? This protects them from sunburn. Here, have a taste.” He proudly handed them to us. A bright burst of fresh fruit puckered my lips and made me smile. Such possibility brewing inside those busily growing grapes. 

As Wes went on to describe the growing process, we learned more about the consistent, precise care that’s needed to nurture the grapes throughout the season. There was a comforting orderliness to it that seemed to suit him and he nearly shined with confident focus. Clos Pepe produced a very low yield, which enabled him to micro manage each row of vines. In fact, he had just completed a partial picking due to frost. Imagine- having your work tied so intimately to the moods of nature. A delicious sense of rootedness began to stir inside of me. Strolling through the tranquil vineyard, I could almost picture dedicated winemakers from generations past bending over their precious crops; their livelihood and their passion embedded in the land. After toasting Wes for generously sharing his time, knowledge and glorious vineyard, we were ready to get back on the road.

Winding our way through miles of dusty farmland and dry scruffy mountains, we drove into the criss- crossed hills of the Santa Maria Valley. The whole county was swollen with miles of ripe grapes just aching to be harvested. We slowed to a stop in front of an enormous warehouse on the grounds of the Bien Nacido Vineyards. Once again, we hit the ground running. These were busy guys.

“Hey, I see we have visitors!” Brad, a newbie preparing for his first bottling, strode over to us and extended his hand, adjusting the rim of his soiled baseball cap. “Have you guys ever tasted free run wine?” I’d only vaguely heard of it, let alone tasted any. Free run is the juice that’s produced from the de-stemming process before the grapes have been pressed. He grabbed a glass from a nearby worktable and carefully dunked it in the barrel, gently scraping the side to collect just the bright ruby juice. The clean ripe taste was refreshing; it was the real deal.

Since this was his first bottling, Brad drew samples of wine from his two barrels produced the previous year. He would taste each one, and then, with the skill of a budding alchemist, he would blend them. What he needed was some expert advice. We followed him to the vineyard’s makeshift office where a man in his early thirties sat, examining the two glasses lined up in front of him on a bottle strewn table. James, a 9th generation Californian, whose family had harvested the land I was standing on for several hundred years, not only grew his own grapes and sold them, but was a highly regarded winemaker as well. Brad took a deep breath. I didn’t hear him exhale.

James swirled the first sample, then stuck his nose down into it briefly. He straightened his spine and slowly brought the glass to his lips. As his eyes closed, he took a deep sip and held the wine in his mouth awhile before he swallowed.  Eyes still closed, he sat quietly, almost reverentially. I raised my eyebrows and looked at Brad, who whispered that he was counting the time of the finish. Just then, James opened his eyes and gave his colleague a slow, warm smile. He took off his cap and ran a hand through his wavy brown hair. Thoughtfully, he suggested areas for improvement, then blessed Brad with sincere praise.  Eyes dancing, our new friend beamed and extended a glass in our direction. We took turns enjoying the samples, giving what we hoped were knowledgeable sounding impressions. Having witnessed a baptism of sorts, I felt privileged.

We began to say our goodbyes when the owner of the winery invited us to stay to be part of the toast given to the exhausted but satisfied men who had brought in the harvest. At the end of the meal, James asked us if we’d like to try some of his wine.  It was as if da Vinci had asked if I’d like to look at some of his sketches. Our day had come full circle. From tasting grapes plucked off the vine to this. Lifting a glass with a man whose veins pulsed with his family’s accumulated wisdom and skill. I swirled mine gently in a small circle on the rough table. Lifting it to my nose, I pulled in a deep breath. Hints of black cherry and vanilla drifted up lazily. I took a healthy sip, letting the wine wash over my entire tongue. The smooth, velvet texture wrapped the fruit in a creamy embrace. I swallowed almost reluctantly.

In the end, it’s all about how it makes you feel. Rather than distracting me from my recent birthday, this trip immersed me in the rhythm of the harvest, the fruitfulness to be found in the passing of time. And that is well worth a toast.

A Tuscan Torment (or more aptly,) The Smashing of my Rose Colored Glasses.

“Oh, you’re American.” He raised his eyebrows as he put my bags into his car.

“Yes.” I said slowly. “Don’t you have many Americans in the workshop?”

“We used to have over 70%,” he sighed, his words caramel thick with a creamy Itlaian accent. “But since 9/11, enrollment has dropped way down. Now, I’d say the reverse is true.”

I folded myself into Diego’s dirty blue Fiat outside the dusty little train station in Buonconvento, Italy. I was there to attend a photography workshop in the nearby town of San Quirico and had been looking forward to meeting people from different countries. So why was this information making me uneasy?

I started the day with a surplus of enthusiasm, but as I navigated my way though the bus and train system, lugging my carefully packed bags and equipment through the 93 degree haze, some of that positive energy began to melt. It wasn’t the foul breathed teenaged backpacker’s fault that he had to press himself up against my sweat soaked body on the bus. There was nowhere else for him to go. Nor could I blame the blank-eyed train station attendant for giving me the wrong information; how was she to know that the platform number for my train would be switched less than three minutes before departure? And it certainly was no one’s fault that the announcement was made in Italian. I was, after all, in Rome.

“Quale traino per Buonconvento?” A kind hearted woman heard my desperate entreaties to several bystanders. I imagine she took in my sagging shoulders, wet brow, and frantic tone and took pity on me.

“Do you need help, dear?” I could have kissed her.

“Oh, yes. I’ve been given conflicting information and I’m trying to find out which platform to go to for Buonconvento.”
She put a warm, matronly hand on my shoulder. “Well, that is where I am traveling, it’s this one over here.” Dressed comfortably chic, with a casual cotton skirt and short sleeved print blouse, she reminded me so much of my Aunt Betty. Pulled together, brisk, yet nurturing.

We boarded shortly thereafter and although she asked about my trip and told me a bit about her hometown of Florence, she left me to my thoughts. The old train ambled slowly through the countryside, the stuffiness in the car gradually easing as pockets of air pushed in through the grimy top windows. Postcard scenes unfolded, teasing my expectations. Tidy lines of rolled hay marched over the gently sloping hillsides. Sun bleached stucco farmhouses with ruddy tile roofs looked haphazardly plunked down every few miles, like game pieces scattered across a board. Swaying rows of deep gold crisscrossed with rigid rows of verdant green.

At the next bend, we rumbled right past a lonely looking cypress, causing it to swoosh in our wake. Taking a deep pull on the precious bottle of now lukewarm water, I settled back , closed my eyes and could almost hear the whir of my mental projector as scenes unspooled from the story I had woven. I pictured myself sipping fruity local Chianti with my fellow classmates after a day spent capturing the wildly romantic Tuscan images that so nonchalantly rolled past my window. The work would be so consuming, I’d lose track of time. My photographs would be vibrant and fresh, something I created with my own hands, my own vision. After writing down every detail and impression in my journal, I would fall into bed each night with that delicious weariness that’s rooted in a satisfying sense of accomplishment.

I’d heard from two friends, whose work I greatly admired, that attending a workshop would be “a life changing experience.” God that sounded thrilling. There was a time when I wouldn’t have considered doing something this bold. But that was before my father died. That day knocked my life out of balance and a big piece of my foundation was kicked away. Finding a passion and a purpose mattered more now. I was convinced that the immersion into the unfamiliar, the sensual setting, and the adventure of traveling alone would all combine to arouse my creative individuality and point me in the right direction. I didn’t want to waste any more time.

After passing a half dozen nameless sleepy stations, the train finally slowed at my stop. My good-natured traveling companion was concerned that no one was on the platform to greet me, but I told her not to worry, I’d find them. Before rounding the corner I looked back to a warm smile and vigorous wave goodbye.

“Do you want a cigarette?” Diego’s question pulled me back to the moment at hand. I shook my head.

“No, thanks.”

We were winding our way over bumpy, dusty roads, passing fields of drooping sunflowers, weathered cottages blooming with overflowing window boxes and, to my delight, the occasional smattering of thirsty looking grape vines. The steady breeze filled the car with an earthy, silty smell.

Half an hour later, he nudged the Fiat up a steep hill, then down a bustling side street, parking alongside an ancient stone building that had once been part of the city walls.

“Okay, sorry to rush you, but you’ve got twenty minutes to shower and change for dinner. I need to get back to the school. I’ll wait across the courtyard at the café.”

He helped me haul my bags up the narrow, slippery stone steps. I dumped my equipment and peeled off my sticky clothes. Even in my hurry I was able to appreciate the charm of the wide windows with heavy red peeling shutters that were begging to be flung open. Ah, the healing power of a much needed shower! Vastly refreshed, I hurried out the door to meet Diego.

Il Poggiolo, the meetinghouse, stood like an arrogant warrior with arms crossed and feet spread. Aptly named, (the balcony), it was built on a hilltop and overlooked the tiny drowsy town of San Quirico. We walked up the stone steps to the sweeping patio where many students had already arrived. There were five classes being held that week, each with 6-10 students, one instructor and one assistant. My first choice class had been canceled due to lack of enrollment and I was attending the one the school suggested in its place. Most people were talking and laughing in small groups as if reacquainting themselves. There were more men than women, but many could have been an artist’s muse. I struggled not to stare. Sculpted jaws supported pillow soft lips, espresso eyes shined, sable hair flowed.

Although travel weary, I was humming with that first day of school anticipation. But before I could plunge in, however, Carlo, the soft-spoken founder and director of the school, announced in English that we should gather for an orientation talk. He had an overgrown rumpled monk haircut, wide face and easily distracted eyes. Dressed in wrinkly kakis that had seen better days and a faded blue polo shirt, he looked like he had been dragged away from doing something else. Initially warm and welcoming, he quickly introduced the different instructors, those surely wise professionals who were standing at the ready to coax out our collective genius. They broke us into groups by class.

“You must be Carol.” A petite woman with smiling eyes reached out her hand. “I am Anna, Andrea’s assistant and I will be translating for you.” Before I could even register just what that was going to mean, my instructor Andrea looked up from the gaggle of students surrounding him and switched into English.

“Oh, Carol… yes. I am afraid you are the only American in my class – the only one who speaks English, actually.” He laughed. “This is very rare, as most students who come here can usually speak English as a second language. It’s odd, but no one does in this group. So, I’ve decided to teach it in Italian for the first time. Anna will translate for you where needed.”

Where needed? My language tapes had reviewed how to catch a bus, order a meal and chat with the locals. I wasn’t prepared to learn photography techniques in Italian. Oh, God. This workshop had sounded like such a good idea. My Mom so wanted to give me something special for my birthday. She was thrilled that she could do this for me. And the timing was perfect. My husband, David, was working with a client in Reno… it was the ideal week. But how was I going to learn anything this way?
Dismissing me with a quick nod, he turned back to the rest of the class.

“Excuse me, but won’t that be difficult?” He looked back at me with raised eyebrows. With a trace of annoyance, he responded, “Well, it is unfortunate, but Anna knows a decent amount of English, so she can explain things to you quietly as I teach.”
Yep, that was my only option. The other classes being held that week were either much more advanced or specialized. I didn’t want to just turn around and go home. I had come too far.

Little did I know that the struggle had just begun.